It's a process...So I've heard, and so I hear myself say often when normalizing someone else's challenges or referring to something I'm working on that takes some time. But what does this actually mean? What can one expect from a process?
Well, the unexpected, and if you're me, plenty of resistance, crying, screaming (when no one's in the house except my poor cat) and canceling plans.
Since embarking on a creative journey, my process has been one of returning to presence, one distracted moment at a time. Some days I'll notice myself immersed in thought occasionally and reorient myself to the moment. Other days I'm not conscious of the mental autopilot. Some days I notice and don't care, I just latch on deeper to what I'm trying to get done, completely void of gratitude, trust, or peace.
The irony is when I'm not practicing gratitude or presence, I get pretty much nothing done or I dive into something overzealously and emerge burned out or even more impatient then when I began...OR something ends up getting half-assed.
As I move in the direction of what excites me, I'm faced with a lot of fear and even more so, impatience. I see the potential of my vision and want it NOW. Everything in contrast with this vision is showing up more pronounced and weighing on me to either accept or change it.
It feels like things are happening at high speed. My mind just wants to slow down yet another part of me is eager to ride the momentum of my creative energy. But the creative energy wants ALL the space, ALL the time and doesn't want to feel rushed or constrained. Or maybe this is my fear that wants me to move at this pace because being in the moment means trusting that it will unfold as planned and that means relinquishing measurable control. AHH!
I'm writing this from a raw place, still wrestling with deep frustration. I know it will end because I've been here before in different ways, and I know how to move through. What's different about this is the frequency to which I return to the space of resistance and worry.
That being said, I knew that this would happen if I decided to play in the space of creativity while also managing all the responsibilities of adulthood.
As a child I could get lost in art and design - spend hours and days and so much time and focus. Now I have to carve out a few hours here and there and it feels horrible walking away from an unfinished project. My mind just whirs with ideas and inspiration on and off throughout the day and I can't wait until I can get back to creating.
I'm writing this purely to acknowledge and honor where I am right now, and to remind myself that process is progress. I will also be able to look back down the line and note the contrast once I've found a way to transform this struggle.
If you're someplace like this right now, know you're not alone, and that there is sunlight on the other side of this shadow ~